As a small child, I can remember my mother reading Bible stories to my sister and me at bedtime. I remember going to Sunday school and church when I was around five years old. Something happened to cause my mother to stop taking us to church. I don't know what it was.

During the summer between 9th and 10th grade, we moved from the farmhouse where I had lived most of my childhood, to Frederick County, Maryland. I had always been quiet and somewhat shy. I thought I needed to be different to make friends at the new high school. I became friends with a girl who was also new to the school. She was fun, outgoing, sure of herself, and, as I later found out, very rebellious. There were some very difficult and hurtful times during my last years in high school. Life at home was bad at that time too. My father had a drinking problem, and the family was always in such pain and turmoil. (My father is saved now, and no longer drinks.) I was dealing with a lot of hurts, and I didn't know where to turn. I just wanted out. The day after graduation, I moved away from home. I moved back to where I had grown up. I began going to church with my boyfriend. I wanted the peaceful, stable life that he and his family had. After a brief Bible study with the pastor, I was baptized into the Seventh Day Adventist Church. When the relationship ended, I moved back to Frederick County. I lived with my older cousins and their friends. There were no restrictions on when or where I went. I was living a life that was fun and carefree, but I felt there was still something missing in my life.

Gary and I began dating in 1976 and were married in 1977. Our son was born nine months after we got married and our daughter was born almost three years later. My husband and I never went to church. I learned early in our marriage church was not to be discussed. One day, a friend invited us to go to her church, where her son was the pastor. At that time our marriage was struggling and I thought it would be good to go to church. This was the first time my children had ever been to church. They were almost nine and twelve years old. We began going regularly. My husband wouldn't go with us at first, but within a year we were going as a family. When I heard messages on salvation, I had doubts about my own salvation. I told myself that I believed in Jesus, and I had been baptized, so I MUST be going to heaven. (Note: saved, salvation, and born again are Biblical terms referring to the forgiveness of sins by God and the rescue of a person from the power and penalty of that sin. This is God's requirement for everlasting life.) The doubts continued. One Sunday, I went forward during an invitation at the end of a service. I knew I didn't want to go to hell. It was a very emotional time. Gary went forward with me. As the pastor prayed, I repeated the words after him. The doubts, however, continued deep within me about my salvation. I never told my husband or anyone else. After all, what would they think? I had gone forward, and professed to be saved. What was wrong with me?

In the spring of 1995, we attended Victory Baptist Church. After the first message we heard, we felt that this was the church the Lord wanted us to be in. When we decided to join the church, Gary said that the pastor might want to baptize us because we had come from a troubled church. I distinctly remember telling my husband, "He isn't baptizing me! I've already been baptized!" The pastor didn't require us to be baptized, and I was relieved because I still doubted my salvation. I never admitted it to my husband, even when he would tell me that he didn't think I was saved. When others got saved, I would feel the doubts and fears come over me. However, I couldn't get over the fact that I had gone forward in our previous church.

I would think to myself, "I'm saved. I went forward. Am I saved? Yes, I am. But what if I'm not? I am! Aren't I?"

In 1996, after graduating from high school, our son decided he no longer wanted to live at home and he moved out. My heart broke as our family fell apart. Then, in April of 1998, our daughter, who was 16 at the time, ran away. I was devastated. I can't even put into words the hurt I felt. She was gone for two months before we were able to have the police bring her home. Things seemed to be getting better, but in September, she left home again. During all of this, my doubts had really gotten strong. Every time we went to church, I would get a fear deep within me. I was too stubborn to tell anyone. I'm sure Satan wanted me to think all the fears and doubts about my salvation were caused by the pain and hurt I was feeling over the loss of my children.

Guidelines for writing your personal salvation testimony were offered. Gary and I got a copy. I looked at the paper, and thought, "How am I supposed to do this? These questions don't make sense. I can't do this!" I was angry. It never dawned on me that the reason it was looking so impossible to do was because I didn't have a testimony of salvation!

In March of 1998, Gary had decided he would help me with a discipleship Bible study. With everything going on concerning our daughter, we never really got started. Then on October 27th, 1998, Gary said, "Tonight we're going to get started with the Bible study." When we sat down at the kitchen table, I realized that I had already penciled in the answers to chapter one-- salvation. I said, "I already did chapter one, so let's just go to chapter two" He said, "No, we're starting on page one." Well, he read the first question, "If you were to die right now, do you know for sure that you would go to Heaven?" I started to cry. I buried my head in my arms on the table and cried for a long time. Gary leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and said, "I think we have a problem." He waited, and waited, and waited. Every time I would look up at him I would start to cry again, and down my head would go. Finally, I looked up at him. He tenderly asked me again about my salvation. I said, "I went forward in church, you were there, what happened?" He said, "I don't know, but I don't think you got saved." He told me all the things about salvation that I had heard many times before. I cried. He waited. I paced the kitchen and living room. He waited. I cried more. He waited. When I asked questions, he answered. After almost two hours, he said, "Maybe it's time to move on." I thought, "Good, he's going to lead me to the Lord." He started to close the discipleship book, and I said, "Wait! I have to get saved!" He gently took my hands, and waited. I prayed ... on my own. The words were mine! I acknowledged that Jesus Christ is Lord. I admitted I was a sinner, asked for God's forgiveness for my sins, and asked HIM to be my Savior. When I finished, I said, "Did I do it right?" We both laughed happily. I KNEW I was saved! Romans 10:13 says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." On October 27, 1998, I got saved, and on December 6, 1998, I was baptized.

I had been confused about what happened at the other church, when I went forward. I knew for a long time I didn't receive salvation, but what did happen? One day, while doing my Bible study, I found my answer. In Acts 16:31, Paul and Silas tell the jailor, ". . . Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, . . . " I suddenly saw the difference between believing "in" Jesus, and believing "on" Jesus. Ever since I was a child, I believed there was a Jesus. When I had gone forward, I had confessed to believing in Jesus. The first step to salvation is believing the fact that there is a Jesus Christ, but the second step is believing "ON" Him. This means believing He is the Lord God Almighty, believing that He was born as a man, believing His death on the cross was for the sins of the entire world (including your own), believing that He rose on the third day and lives at the right hand of God, believing that He has the power to give the free gift of eternal life in Heaven. Romans 10:9 says, "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt he saved." He alone can and will give you this gift too, if only you believe "on" Him for it. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." When we believe and trust completely on Jesus for our eternal life, we are truly saved. I John 5:13 says, "These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God."

If you are reading this and you believe "in" Jesus, won't you now trust and believe "ON" Him? Repent of your sins and ask Jesus Christ to be your Saviour, so you can have eternal life in Heaven, instead of eternal death in Hell.